.Facing The New Year

Dr. Donna J Mann

"It was bad enough getting through Christmas, but how do I face the New Year?" asked a young woman who had buried her father in the first week of December.  As she talked, I knew that she had done everything that was important to her during the season. She had lit a candle, placed his photograph in full view, told and retold his stories to those who would listen. But, now the season was over and she was faced with the daily routine of life without him.

As we talked, we came to the conclusion that the latter task may very well be more difficult than managing Christmas. Her pain had been resilient during the festive season - flexible, intense, typical. People knew her sorrow was predictable: they accepted it.  Now she was afraid if her sorrow continued visually, she would risk facing people's embarrassment, or worse yet, their intolerance. So she considered two options: conceal her emotions, and appear to have returned to what others would consider as normal or "getting along well".

If she conceals her emotions, she is shutting the door on a very important part of who she is.  All of her feelings are significant and need to be honoured. Feelings such as frustration, annoyance or sadness are as powerful as anger, betrayal or rejection. The key is to acknowledge her feelings and release them.  When they are not acknowledged they have the power to dictate, manage, limit or block her clear sense of direction, motivation or vision for the future. Until all her feelings are surfaced, processed and experienced, they have an ability to command negative attention. To make decisions from these flailing emotions is a risk I don't want my friend to take.

Her other option is to return to 'normal'. Not a 'new normal' of which she would be comfortable developing, but 'normal' in how people relate to her. From their perspective, this would be a comfortable interaction between her and them, where they can say, "Oh, she's doing fine." It is assurance that they are not going to be embarrassed by what she says or does. This is the danger: while she denies her emotions she lives in ways that keep others happy and comfortable. In the meantime she plays games with herself, rejects feelings, discounts her experience and fills up with unresolved emotions that have the potential to turn into depression, anger, illness or inappropriate behavior.

I suggest to my friend that she develop her own monitor as to what is right and wrong. If we look for others to do this, we can be manipulated into thinking that some times are more acceptable than others to be honest about our feelings. What would this monitor look like?  Talk to yourself. Tell yourself that every emotion that you feel today is valid and needs to be heard. There will be no debate if "this one is stupid" or "that one is asking for trouble" or "should I have moved past the other one". Write each emotion down and give yourself the space to physically rest and emotionally experience each one. Ask yourself, "Now what is this really about: sorrow, helplessness, regret?

The list will be endless. Your feelings are all valid  they are a part of you. Feel them, acknowledge them, release them  it may be a slow process but it will be a time-honoured task that will move you through your grief - to get through it - to the other side.